I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Randomize
