last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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