everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
