Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
