Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Randomize
