his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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