Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
