God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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