I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
soo... how was my night?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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