the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
