Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
