listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
