dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize