you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize