this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
