my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
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