someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
