Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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