The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Randomize
