Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
