It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
