So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
