Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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