It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
