When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Randomize
