Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Naked. naked and bneed help.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
