I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
