i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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