I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
