I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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