God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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