just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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