i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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