Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
