it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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