I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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