And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
