I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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