Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Randomize
