I saw his package. It spoke to me.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Randomize
