her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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