Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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