Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
