if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
