is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
