He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize
