It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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