I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Randomize
