he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
it was like eating out sand paper
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize