I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
My penis needs a shock collar
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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