he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
