Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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