I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
