Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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