Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
