rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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