Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
