one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
