Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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