What did we do last night that was yellow?
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Randomize
