Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
