not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
