I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize
