i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
You were trust falling into bushes
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
