im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
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